Hi my name is unstable, will you hold my knife?

Ok another blow up at the world..a world that is getting sick of this shit. I freaked out again and got into a "I just wrote my last will and testament" bottom.

Over the weekend I spent an amazing 24 hours with my beautiful daughter who allowed me to remember that there are things to live for. I think I have figured out why I freak out so hard and want to be dead.

Problems:

A. I have been freakishly depressed for my entire life and this is no different. I am the poster bitch for depression.
B. I start getting my head on all the problems in my life and I can't see a way out. I always get the most depressed when it seems like I don't have any choices.
C. I have become extremely ego driven, I have started to feel somehow entitled to things I am not. Whenever I start thinking I'm "all that and a bag of chips" (thank you 1992) I get depressed. Ego is just not me and it makes me sad when I start feeling ego driven and needy.
D. Comedy is something that I love but I'm burned out on going to the clubs.

Solutions:
A. I am going to go to a therapist and start talking to someone, because otherwise I'm not going to make it to 40. This is probably all I need in addition to anti depressants to at least level off. I don't like being in my own mind so I can't imagine what people around me must feel.
B. Start dwelling on solutions, I feel instantly better as soon as I realize that I have choices. I don't have to work, I don't have to do anything. Things will work out one way or another. If I don't want to work for the rest of my life, how do I make that happen. Voila I feel better...for a little while...then repeat. I just have to remember to stay in a solutional way of thinking always.
C. I have found myself applying myself to some comedy hiarchy of late, which just doesn't work for me. Feeling like I'm entitled to time or that I should be working or that these other comics shouldn't be getting breaks before I do, is just silly. This is most of all just not me. Throughout my life I have been extremely confident in myself, but as soon as I think that I'm better then I really am I become needy and depressed. Things just don't seem to work out for me when i feel that way, even though things are working out just the way they are supposed to. I just feel like they aren't working out for me. I will never allow myself (or I will at least try) to feel envious or feel cheated by my friends success at any level. I can only control myself and I want others to succeed. I don't know when I started feeling so great about myself but it always leads me to thoughts of suicide (which is odd).
D. The only time I ever do well at comedy is when i go back to just trying to enjoy myself and get better. When I expect something or dwell on others I get frustrated. Everything good that has ever happened in comedy to me was when I let them, and didn't expect them. I will never quit comedy as much as it bothers me and makes me miserable, it's not comedy's fault it's my approach to what I'm doing that makes it so.

Ok .... off my chest. I need to get one more thing off my chest, I can't go to where I was last weekend again. I am going to try my damndest to avoid that for the rest of my life. I was as close to offing myself as I've ever been. I couldn't get out of a hateful cycle in my head. I for the first time just started planning on how to kill myself without everyone hating me (making funeral arrangements for instance so no one was stuck with the bill). I started planning the legal end of my death so no one would get screwed over. I imagine that I would be hated on some level for killing myself but I don't want to hand people a bill as well.

I feel 180 degrees different today. I feel like my future is what I make it. I understand that life isn't going to work out the way I want but that's ok. If I get funny that's good. If I don't thats ok too. I just want to keep doing comedy in my free time get as good as I can be and be a good dad. That's not too hard.

I have this fascination with strippers as of late. I just wonder what it would be like to date one. I think it would be fun in a constant drama kind of way. I think that would be the thing to do if you had money just to entertain yourself. Surround yourself with uninhibited not very bright people with a myriad of problems. That makes for some goddamned entertaining days and nights. And STD's.

-The Enforcer reminds you to "look for the eye of the tiger" when shopping for eggs.

"Is it good juggling?"