the state of ho humedy
Anyone who knows me knows that I am a depressed person who posts depressed blogs all the time. This one is no different. I did realize something last night that made me re-think every thing.
I was speaking with a comedian and I realized that there is no point to what I'm doing. I am stuck, I can't quit my job and do comedy I have too many responsibilities.
I have gone as far as I'm going to go in comedy.
There is no where to go from here. I can't work doing it and at this point what is the point? Becoming a better comic? Who gives a shit it isn't going to lead anywhere. I can't believe that I somehow talked myself into working so hard on this for 2 years when there is no fucking point to it at all. It is just mental masturbation. I will be a hobbyist until the day I die doing comedy. My opportunity to become something in comedy is gone, my opportunities were before I became a dad, before I was in my 30's.
My opportunity came and went and I didn't even realize it, instead I fucking did nothing with my life. I drank myself into an oblivion stayed in a fucking loveless relationship, my life has no meaning. My daughter is the only thing that I have created of any worth in my stinking good for nothing 34 years. I am a pathetic piece of shit.
I realized that I just don't enjoy going and doing comedy enough anymore to make it worth it to go and hang out and talk to fucking drunk people that could care less if I had a heart attack and died on stage. I hate the crowd and that is bad thing as a comic in fact it's a career (as pathetic as my "career" is) killer. I have nothing but contempt for the people that I'm supposed to entertain. I stopped doing comedy a month and a half ago when I found myself three shows in a row telling the crowd how much I hated them. How I hated how I got judged by people that I had no respect for. I had to take a step back and realize that it wasn't healthy for me to feel this way.
Last night however was the first time that I realized that my dreams have no merit. My dreams don't mean anything and are never going to come true. I don't see how I can continue, I can't just keep going to local clubs forever. That would eventually just destroy me as a person. There is just no point in it. I don't want to be a hobbyist, but it's all I ever will be. What am I going to do move to L.A. and abandon my daughter? I love the people that run the clubs around here and the people that do comedy in this town. I will always enjoy spending time with these people because they're my friends. I just don't see the point of working really hard at something that isn't going to lead anywhere. I couldn't do something if it were handed to me, I have painted my life into a corner and I have no way out.
I don't see the point of living if one doesn't have dreams. The only thing I have to look forward is to working for the rest of my life? I can't even imagine that. For most people having a daughter and raising her would be enough or getting married or whatever. It's not enough for me. I can't live happily if I don't have something bigger then my current life to look forward to. This is one of the most depressing days of my life. Not because I'm depressed just because I realized my life has no meaning. Maybe no ones life has real meaning, I don't know I just hoped that mine did. I can't believe that I have fucked this short time on earth up this much. I am an emotionally shut off person unable to love anyone unable to be a real friend to anyone self centered self obsessed piece of shit. And what I have gotten from this is squat. I will never be professional comic I will go to fucking shitty jobs and work my forty hours so that I can enjoy two days a week. What a fucking miserable existence. The first 34 years have sucked and now as I get older they will continue to suck but I have bad health to look forward to. What is the point of remaining sober giving a shit about anything. This time on earth for 99% of the fucking world is miserable. Yet D.L. FUCKING HUGHELY has a goddamned HBO special...HBO! My dream of all dreams and that fucking horrible shitty goddamned son of a fucking bitch has an hour long special. Yeah black people and white people are different D.L. and oh if I ever see you I will shoot you in your fucking face. See D.L. i have nothing to live for and you get to sleep peacefully at night because somehow your amazing lack on intellect and talent has landed you in the place I have dreamed of being at my whole life.
There is no point in carrying on, I will still come down to the comedy clubs and say hi from time to time but I want to get on with getting old having bad health paying taxes and then eventually dying.
I'm done. I wish things were different but they ain't so there you go.
Later. I'm not sure I want to blog anymore, but if I can think of an interesting thing which is doubtful I will blog it.
This is not a suicide note or anything :-)
I'm just dealing with some stuff I will unhappily continue on with my pathetic existence until cancer or something else takes me in my 40's.
-Geoff Brousseau
"Goodnight and thank you for listening"
"Is it good juggling?"
posted by Unknown @ 12:35 PM
9 comments
9 Comments:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Number 1: Lizzy needs to figure out that everytime she posts a long string of unbroken characters, she fucks up the layout of the page.
Number 2: If that's how you feel about it, you should just quit.
Number 3: I'll call you in two years when I'm making a living doing clubs and tell you how it's done.
This wasn't really a cheerleader post filled with false enthusiasm but that's not my "role" in your life. You've got other people for that.
I'm still the best friend you have and if that doesn't make you suicidal, you're going to be all right.
Hugs and Kittens,
Blaine
I wasn't asking anyone to be a cheerleader for me. The whole point of the post was that I was letting everyone know that I'm done doing comedy. Please let me know how you're doing in two years. I hope your making a living I really do.
This wasn't a cry for help I don't care what you think of me. I don't want sympathy from anyone and no one has given it to me. I am scared to death that I will be stuck doing my job for the rest of my life. I don't see what the point of continuing to do something that will keep me hopeful that someday I will be able to stop working when that is never going to happen. The people that make it in comedy are those with the courage to continue when there seems like there is no reason to do it. I am not one of those people. I am too scared to continue I guess I would rather just get on to what is inevitably going to happen anyway.
Oh and go fuck yourself.
I love TV.
-Geoff
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
I know it wasn't a cry for help. I know you weren't asking for a cheerleader. You don't have to read anything into or second guess anything I say, I say exactly what I mean.
If you're projecting those questions on to me, that's your deal. I think your anger is healthy but you can go ahead and direct it elsewhere. I'm not the reason for it.
And I don't think you're done doing comedy. You're the funniest man I know. I just think you're down right now and I'm not flinching in the face of your depression. Throw your tantrum at someone else.
Let me say this. I think your attitude is shitty and you can do anything you want to. Accept the fact that you're going to have to work for the rest of your life and it's going to suck. Once you accept that, you're free. Then go do what it takes to be great. The alternative is mediocrity. Can you live with that? It doesn't sound like you can.
If you feel your life is meaningless, maybe you should look at the things, people and behaviours you've filled it with. They are there because it was the easiest thing for you to do.
I've been a member of your out group for quite sometime now and I want to point out that just because a bunch of people say something's good a lot of times together doesn't necessarily make it true.
Look on the bright side, at least you got a girlfriend out of comedy and maybe that's what you wanted all along but didn't know it. I can't really fault you for you on that so here's to couples' pizza parties on weekends.
And no thank you, Geoff, I'm done fucking myself. I wasn't trying to be a prick when I said I'd call you and tell you how's it done. All I meant by that is, if you've got your shit and your head together by then, I'll tell you what I know.
If you want to keep doing comedy, I think you're going to have find some personal strength and pull your head out of the collective group ass it's stuck in.
I tried to call you for coffee this morning but forgot you lost your phone. Did you get it back?
Love,
Blaine
Listen I know what you're doing and it's fine. I understand that you
were telling me to buck up. I am ok with that. I also hope that you
are ok with me telling you to go fuck yourself for saying it to me. I
was and am desperately depressed. I feel like something has to change
in my life. I started to think that if comedy didn't work out I had
nothing to live for. I know that's not true but that is how I feel.
I don't have an in and out group of friends. I have friends they are
not mutually exclusive. You have never been on the outside with me. I
have distanced myself from you at times because of your negativity and
how you made me feel about myself. I don't have "groups of friends". I
have a few friends that I talk to on the phone and find out if they
are going to be at a comedy club. I will always care about you. The
people I have in my life I have there because they are good people and
I enjoy my time with them, that's it. I include you in that category.
I have been just keeping to myself more that's it. Also I don't do
couple get togethers on the weekends, but I guess that could be fun. I
personally don't know if I will be able to maintain anything like a
relationship for long. My problems are so close to the surface right
now that I am not sure anyone can stand to be around me for long.
I meant no ill will by the comment, I understood what you were saying. I
know that when you said that you would call me in two years that you
meant it as a challenge for me to knock it off. I appreciate that
trust me. I just had a really hard time stopping the "whooas me" thing
on Friday.
Take er sleazy
I think you will find, in fact I know you will, that your best days are ahead of you. Don't be a "dude high school was the best time of my life" kind of guy, or "my 20's were", or whatever. You get the picture. You are only 34 fucking years old for shite sake! Insecure and unsure about yourself and your future? Join the fooking human race mon! (pretend the janitor on The Simpsons said that last sentence) Everybody pretends they are not faking their way through life. Most people are a bunch of stupid ignorant Zomboids stumbling through life. You're smart enough to know that. How else can you explain the perrenial success of Walker: Texas Ranger? Or Nascar? Or WWF Wrestling?( I could go on and on!) Most people view life as something that just happens and not something they can actually control and change. They are deluded into thinking they are happy. They don't think, do, or dream anything. At least you know you are unhappy. Bravo! Thats the first step chief. Your goal is to be successful and self sufficient as a comedian. You're paying your dues right now. Thats all. People who direct their own destiny, i.e. people who point their life in a certain direction, which you have, know it takes some time no matter what the goal, to git'r dun. You have taken the red pill and escaped The Matrix. There's no going back Geo. Not to sound too philofizzophical and shit, but the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step Grasshopper, and you have taken it. You climbed on stage for a reason. And you know what? Life isn't short. It's fucking long. That is unless you get hit by a bus or do something ridiculous like off yourself. I don't think you would do that to your daughter though. Anyway, you owe it to her stick around so she does't turn out like her mom. On the slim, horrible chance you would off yourself, do your daughter a favor and take her mother with you (I keed, I keed), and I'll see you in hell Highlander. Get your fucking ass on stage and keep plugging away. In this case, don't hate the game playa. Embrace it. You say doing comedy is making you miserable, but not doing it will compound your misery as the years wear on. All great art is born out of misery one way or another, so I guess that makes you on the right track! You're going to get old either way. So what if it takes you another 10,15,or 20 years to claw your way up the trash heap of life to success. Most people will still be in the heap somewhere, shopping at Wal Mart, and you,ll be bangin' young broads! All men know thats what motivates us deep down inside.(I digress) By the way, if you want some free therapy just go to a Wal Mart and look around. Do I need to explain myself? You will walk out of there feeling like a movie star thinking, LOSERS!, even if you do have one of the shittiest cars in the parking lot. And on a final note, if you don't know this already' you should. The late great Rodney Dangerfield (love em or hate em) started out doing comedy as a teenager only to give it up in his 20's for a more "normal" life. He lived the American Nightmare that most people do, before returning to his true love comedy at the age of 40! 40 G! You know the rest of the story. If he were alive I am sure he would tell you life is not short at all. Quit livig your life as a series of regrets. The future will hold many regrets for the present if you are not being proactive about your life and dreams. Read that last sentence again. Dream fucking big. D.L Hubley did. Git'r dun G. xoxoxo
Very well said and thank you and all that, whomever wrote that.
I agree with everything you said. I have to dream like Mr. Hughley and git r dun.
Rawk on,
-Geoff
Post a Comment
<< Home