Leap bitches leap

I worry because I'm just not like everybody else.

I had a girl come up to me who's beautiful, interesting, funny, nice, the whole shibang. She pointed to her finger to show me she is engaged.

My first thought without thinking was "what a fucking idiot" what are you 23. Who told you that would be a good idea, have you ever thought it over?

I chose to drink myself into blackouts nightly at your age.

Your decision is even more stupid then that cause guess what I don't have to do that anymore.

Have fun as you get more and more bored and start thinking wow why did I waste my youth on marriage. Jesus did I marry him cause he had a Jetta what was I thinking?

Maybe this is a great thing. See this is why I am so cut off from everyone else. I don't want what everybody else seems to pray for. Marriage, safe suburbs, kids.. Being a father is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. But I still dont' pray for a nice place in the burbs with a swing set in the backyard. I would sufficate in that world. You would find me running through the neighborhood with a crazed look on my face screaming "how the fuck did I end up here"..."Sir are you alright"..."fuck you I'm not one of you"

Why can't I just believe that she's made a great decision? I don't know her. Its quite likely that she's more mature then I am. Even though I have 10 years on her. How the fuck did I get so cynical.

I think of life like a party I never want to leave the party because I think something really cool is always about to happen. Most of the time nothing cool ever happens but I don't want give up on that. I always make the decision to add anything into my life that might stop the the cool thing from happening. like a Wife, kids, fences, yards, dinners everyday at 6.

What the fuck is wrong with that though?

Nothing is wrong with that.

Then why do I think people are stupid for going after their dreams because they aren't my dreams? Pettiness? Insecurity?

I have a dream to make it in comedy. That is a ridiculous dream. The chances are slim to none. That isn't going to change my mind, I've haven't done it the rest of my life because I thought there was no point because it's impossible to make it in comedy. Well I tried a normal life and it sucked. Does it suck worse then my current suck? Yes it did.

I think this way of thinking guarantees me a lot of heartache. Jesus I hope I'm making the right decision. I also hope she is too because she is great person. I guess we never know we just go with our whorehearts.

No answers,

The Enforcer

"Is it good juggling?"