Spokane Washington

Some observations about Spokane.

It is Saturday I have been here for a week, I have really enjoyed myself thus far and wish I didn't have to go home. I am however looking forward to not sleeping on a futon and I miss all of you lovely comedians and I miss comedy. I also have been eating like shit here and have put on at least five pounds.

Spokane must lead the world in old people and disabled people because I swear every third house here has a wheelchair ramp, I'm not kidding.

I have never seen a wheelchair ramp in Seattle but in Spokane there are three or four in every neighborhood. Is Spokane afraid of stairs or is this some kind of Hanford radiation thing that is stopping people from using stairs. Does everyone come here to die like Miami?

One of my favorite things are the different mothers in Spokane I lump them into different groups there are the whistlers that just sit on a bench and whistle at their dirty shitty kids who are like 200 yards away pushing kids into the pond. "hey hey don't be stabbin your brother" then back to smoking and not paying attention.

The other type of mom I see everywhere in Spokane is the Britney Spears mom, this is the kind of mom who dresses the same way her kids dress- inappropriately. This is the kind of mom who is always trying to find the next father to her kids. I don't think that you should be with 5 10 and 15 year old kids and be wearing the same thing you dressed them in - hotpants. Oh and her boys are just dirty. It is like a microcosm of what the rest of her life is like. She gets all tarted up so she can marry the next dirty ass mechanic who will beat her kids and knock her up then leave her.

Ok this is the weird mother I see WAYYY too much in Spokane. The mom dressed like the mom above but looks like she's sixty. Totally skinny and wrinkled like a junkie. I don't know the story behind this mom but I have seen these ladies with 4 year old kids. They manage to go get a tan but somehow don't think having no teeth is a bad thing. How the fuck do you get messed up like that? Is it drugs? Alcohol? Sun...wayy way too much sun? I have no idea but how in the fuck does this happen how are you 34-35 and looking like your 80 years old? I saw at least 20 women so far like this. They would be with their boyfriend who looked normal enough maybe 40 or so and then the "after" picture from a don't do drugs commercial. If this is from drugs (which would be obvious if it is) how does she still have a kid? Holy christ this is some kind of white trash thing I don't understand.

One of the things I love about spokane is the "fuck you don't tell me what to do" attitude of the people who live here. A few years ago they said no more smoking at the Spokane county fair. No one showed up. Second day "you can now smoke in designated areas". No one showed up. Third day "smoking is now allowed at the Spokane county fair". Everyone showed up. This wasn't smokers who weren't showing up NO ONE showed up they were "Hey I don't smoke or anything but don't fucking tell me what I can and can't do". I love that about Spokane they are very individualistic (all republican) blue collar people. Flouting your wealth is considered fucking lame in Spokane working a factory job is considered just fine.

People would have said thank you for stopping smoking at a fair in Seattle that is what I hate about seattle.

I am a shitty writer, but yesterday I had some bacon so I don't care.

Thank you Spokane touch my boobies,

The Enforcer

"I should have ended with my Jesus fucking a goat bit" -Peter Johnson

I'm on Vacation beeatch

I am currently enjoying a nice day in Spokane washington. See thats how I'm livin. I can just drive on over to Spokane and vacay like it ain't nuffin.

Don't hate.

My daughter and I are having a pretty good time although she wants to go back to Seattle I am going to keep her here through Wednesday cause it's her ballet night and I want to watch that.

I went and did an open mic at the brickwall comedy club last night the show went really well. Spokane truly isn't pc and it was frankly refreshing. I didn't realize how PC seattle really is. I did my Ronald Reagan joke and they laughed pretty hard at it. Seattle groans at that joke.

They really liked me it was overwhelming three comics mentioned how funny I was and put themselves down in comparison on stage (I have never seen that happen). The whole experience was really nice. Two of the comics gave me cards one gave me a card with "Great Material" written on the back.

Oh and by the way it was a very very supportive comedy group. I frankly wish they did some of the things that they do at this room at other rooms.

Ok on to the bad, one lady went up and did one of the dirtiest stupidest routines I have ever heard. It was so fucking awful. She had props, every single joke for 10 minutes was about penis size, and getting fucked by guys who don't know what they're doing. Oh man I wanted a blow dart to take that bitch down. She came up to me after the show and started 'riffin' with me for about another 10 minutes using salt shakers and other things to again explain how life is like cock size. Oh how I hope she got in a car crash on her way home and lost her vocal chords.

Here is the good, most of the comics weren't that bad. They were inexperienced but they were trying originall material. Von Eaglebear who is like an indian Mitch Hedberg got up and told some pretty damn funny jokes. He was obviously the comics fav, and had won some contest last year. He told some jokes that I think need repeating. Here is my favorite: "They are thinking of changing the name of the Spokane Indians baseball team to something less derogotory, they are going to change it to the Indians". His other joke I liked was "I got a call the other day and my teenage daughter told me she was pregnant I said I have a teenage daughter?". I thought he was a pretty good joke writer.

The club owner told me I could do time whenever I want he was nice and is a "conservative" comedian. It translated to not being PC which is fine with me. He took shots at Kerry or whatever I didn't care he was pretty good. He looked like everybody does in Spokane mustache t shirt and cell phone on jeans with running shoes basically everybody in Spokane looks like a general contractor.

I came up with some observations about Spokane that I was going to do on stage but I was afraid to turn the crowd against me. Now I realize they would have loved it.

I love pork and Spokane is ok,

The Enforcer

"I should have ended with my Jesus fucking a goat bit" -Peter Johnson