some guys have all the luck

This is one of the coolest stories I've read in a long time.

Strong ass kid

I talked to a girl I've gone out with on and on for awhile last night and I jacked off. She was horny and I was horny and next thing I knew I was all over my phone like a cheap suit.

I am freaking horny, if any girls are reading this please stay away from me I am liable to try and touch a boobie. I am getting hard ons watching mcDonalds commercials...yeah eat that burger whore! I have had my daughter for 3 weeks now so I haven't been able to take care of my burgeoning over population of man of olay.

I would screw anything that walked right in fact I would screw a guy if he would just talk in a falsetto. I am getting a little older so I don't want to watch porn or anything I want real man on drunk woman action. I don't even want words except for "cock" "pussy" "huge" to be exchanged. I want that scene from Fatal Attraction where they madly go at it in her apartment without the "telling my wife" or "boiling rabbits" shit to happen. I want to tear a chicks underwear off right now ...with permission this time. With my teeth, or one of those fancy backscratchers from Africa.

I want that sweaty kind of sex where you are just using each other and pulling hair not worrying about what kind of face you're making. Screaming out lines from your fourth grade book report on Frogs cause you are in some weird subconscious thing and frogs are cool.

Many don't realize I have a high sex drive because I am good at hiding it and I am extremely effeminate. Don't let it fool you I have the heart of a non effeminate man with chest hair and a felony assault charge. See my outside is quiet, my inside is doing things to you that would land me in jail if I lived in a sexually repressed place like Mexico (those sons a bitches won't let you do shit). Yeah YOU with the boobs you and me got business don't hold back your feelings I am one with the moon and stars that are those sex stars you know what I mean ...shut up and listen. I'm a gemini hope you're sign ain't "cocktease" cause me and you doing the funky chicken

Man I'm smooooove.

"I should have ended with my Jesus fucking a goat bit" -Peter Johnson

I would like to introdruce you to my NEW girlfriend

Match.com: Millions of possibilities to meet your match: "About me and who I'd like to date
I am beautiful and sexy lady from Phuker Thailand. I would like date and make some friend who care and horror. Who like to workout and do thing outdoor. l like to make sailboat. I love the sea very much. I would like to see some one who have a saiboat and like to sail the boat. When I am in the sailboat I feel like the world is very small."


Yes honey the world is small from boat.

Now touch my cock.

Love,

The Enforcer

back to sunshine and puppies

Well I got a job or "miracle" as I referred to it before. It pays well and blah blah blah. Most importantly it is loaded with hot women.

So I will have a job finally.

I get to stay in Seattle for the time being.

Now unemployment will be a distant memory. I already miss thee.

I won't miss the constant questions in my head like "how much to they give you for plasma" "will they pay for my cum?" "Are old ladies easy targets" "Do you think I'll do a LOT of time the first time I get caught" "Can you please pass the cheetos imaginary buddy...oh what did you say ...oh yeah I like this porno too"

I also don't have to constantly explain what I'm doing stroking my rod at the jizz booth on a Monday at noon to the guy through the glory hole next to me.

Now that I'm back in the working world I can say shit like "hey bitch looking for an employed stud" instead of "hey bitch I want your ass".

Oh man welcome back to the working world. Where the air is a little sweatier and warm with hopes that will never be fulfilled.

I can start using Moneytree again (you have to have a job to use their stupid company).

I work here

So far everyone I have met is really cool. My boss looks a lot like Ricky Gervais which was really funny to me when he was showing me around the office and cracking jokes.

Later assholes,

The motherfucking Enforcer

"I should have ended with my Jesus fucking a goat bit" -Peter Johnson

Treatment's not just for Robert Downey anymore

Yesterday I took my alcohol asessment and I found out how long I'm going to be in it and how much it's going to cost.

I will be doing it 5 days a week for 3.5 hours a day for one month then once a week for 6 months. After that a year and a half once a month. What a gigantic pain in the ass. As anyone knows who knows me I haven't been drinking. I had to explain how much I wanted to do this to help myself leave alcohol behind. I frankly haven't been thinking about alcohol at all. I think I will end up drinking sometime down the road just more responsibly, see I will throw.....

I thought it was amusing how she kept telling me that I couldn't REALLY not drink without this class. I realized I didn't really need this class over the last month.

I am very very thankful that I am able to do this class though. This is a true gift. I won't have a DUI on my record and if I don't fuck up it will be over before I know it.

It is going to be expensive but hey look I'm ROLLING in money this is no big deal.

I guess in summary I am not looking forward to this class at all but I'll tell this is great news.

The bad news is that the class runs from 6-9:30 which means I won't be able to do comedy for a month, which is fine I am writing a lot right now.

#---------------------------------------------------------------------

Bush still claims that there is a tie between al quaeda and Iraq. Even though the CIA says there isn't.

There is a tie between that like there's a tie between me and Kevin Bacon
What is this six degrees of foreign policy.

What's next are they going to kill Ben Affleck to stop Hollywood from making bad films.

They say they were helping the people of Iraq by taking a bad man from his dictatorship. I think that's true, but if you're going to start removing bad leaders can we start here, I need a fucking job.

If we are going to go to war with countries over terrorism we have to attack every country where there's Muslims cause those dudes blow shit up wherever they live. Well now that I think of it Religion blows shit up wherever it is. Christians blow shit up all the time. I mean every time I feel really shameful after beating off I just think damned you Jesus, and then I want to blow something up.

I heard Hindus blew up a train last year, don't give out Vishnu toys with a hamburger happy meal or you're gonna have trouble.

Thank you good night.

#------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I should have ended with my Jesus fucking a goat bit" -Peter Johnson

Well hello

I went to my alcohol assesment today I got some good news they are willing to drop the cost in half. So I don't have to come up with as much money next week. The problem is 1 month 5 days a week 3.5 hours a day and it lasts for two years after that. This will not allow me to do comedy for a little while. This is good news though it's a gift to be able to get out of having a DUI on my record.

I have a job interview on Wednesday if it goes well I hopefully will get the job. This will allow me to pay some bills and stay in Seattle. I really really really fucking hope I get it.

I judged a comedy competition last night. Here are some surprises most of them sucked wait that isn't a surprise. I had a good time Jose Perez won. He is doing pretty well for having only been on stage 3 times.

Let's all test the power of prayer please pray for me getting this job. If not only because I will get a job but so I can pay you back. I owe everyone money so it stands to reason that we all benefit if I get a job.
Rock on,

The Enforcer

"I should have ended with my Jesus fucking a goat bit" -Peter Johnson