Goals

I have decided as some incentive to complete my goals of getting out of debt and paying off everything I owe. I have decided to buy something as a reward (I know it makes no sense). I have wanted a Porsche since I was wee high to a grasshopper. When I pay off my car and get out of debt I am buying a Porsche 944 Turbo. I would like to have a 911 but I can get a really nice 944 for cheap 6-10 grand. I would have to buy quite an old 911 to pay that little if I could find one at all.

Following this logic I am going to eat a cake when I reach my goal of losing all my weight. I am also going to go and stab a guy to get over my fear of commitment.

I love myself daily,

The Enforcer


"I'm a lesbian" - Jay Holtzman
"Is it good juggling?" -Jack Shaloom
"I have fresh towels" - smoove ass comic
"I should have ended with my Jesus fucking a goat bit" -Peter Johnson

Fernando came calling

Sometimes when I have the ability to float up above my life and look down upon it with some perspective I am able to smile cheshire like at it's ridiculousness.

I moved into my apartment 4 months ago. They have scaffolding completely surrounding the building with plastic around that. My view now looks out on scaffolding and white plastic. I was awoken this morning by a crew of men most of whom I know their names now at 7 AM. Prior to 7 they apparently just show up to the job site and randomly drop loud things and bang into stuff. They were working on the scaffolding directly out my bedroom door. Literally 6 feet from my head. "Fernando no no aqui" followed my crashing on my deck. I also believe that there was someone who had a mallet who's job was just to bang on metal for no reason. BANG BANG BANG crash crash sounds of guys having a conversation and working and looking in my windows this was my morning. I am exhausted. I have to move out after only living in my apartment for 4 months, I've barely broken her in yet. My life stinks.

How is it that I find an apartment that I absolutely love and it's sold one month later and I have to move out. That is absolutely hilarious absolutely fricking hilarious.

I am in the toilet right now with my comedy I did ok last night but I felt very off could be the construction directly outside of my window who knows.

Thank you Fernando,

The Enforcer


"I should have ended with my Jesus fucking a goat bit" -Peter Johnson

holy christ

Last night was epic.

I have never been surrounded in such hot ass women in my life.

They were annoying but damn they looked good.

What the hell is going on, when did this start and as GLott said don't question it just go with it.

I will beating off to the chick with the braids in the bathroom at work today.

I am in a downward cycle, my comedy SUCKS ASS right now but I am playing through.

I have not totally fallen to where I was before my improvement but jesus I'm sucking the pipe right now.

Ron Osborne can talk to the crowd and is a nice guy.

Horrible jokes though.

I lost 4 pounds last night.

Thank you urine soaked mattress.

Fuck you all,

The Enforcer




"I should have ended with my Jesus fucking a goat bit" -Peter Johnson

my life is rad if rad meant suck ass

I stayed home last night, I heard from the Mastermind about last night at Conor Byrne. Oh man how I hate fucking hippies and PC fuckheads who talk about art like they owned it and are art's caregivers. Oh how I hate you you fucking pseudo intellectual Jerry jingly rock whale song listening to mushroom sticker in the back of your smoking volkswagon bus or more likely SUV air stealing egg sucking comfortable sandle yuppy fucks. Sounds like I made the right choice. I stayed home didn't eat and drank a fifth with a little help. I had fun though so no worries. I actually wanted to watch 24 cause I rented the second half of season one after I watched the first half over the weekend. I am hooked and need my fix. That Jack Bauer is always getting into trouble. Oh Jack.

I am doing some comedy tonight I have some new bits that need work. My porn historian bit is a long way from complete and I need to work it out.

I have a funny story that I'm not sure I have blogged before. Jack Sha**** who does a "New York" accent (if New York was in Bellevue) for reasons only he knows. Well my friends came and watched me and they started talking to him because they are FROM New York and lived there their whole lives. I over hear this my friend: "It is so hard to get conishes(I don't know how to spell them) here" JS: "Tell me about it" still in his accent. Maybe I should make it clear that JS lives in Seattle and has forever. I couldn't bring myself to out him in front of my friends but how weird. Young comics don't do "funny" voices to get laughs just write good jokes.

Hugs and Kisses,

The Enforcer

"I should have ended with my Jesus fucking a goat bit" -Peter Johnson

oh by the way

The Mastermind made mention of me being a pussy for not going to the underpants trainwreck of homeless people doing comedy. I will say this one more time fuck you underpants I don't want your monday you've wasted too much of my time. I have gone down there more times then I can count only to be bumped so people with jokes about giant vaginas and and and aw fuck it. I just think it is a lot of effort for a shitty night of comedy that I don't want to sit through. I will die happy knowing that I don't have to sit through one of those shit ass nights of comedy. It is a night for the new and the old I don't fit in, if I work for a living doing comedy or quit and come back in 5 years then maybe I won't get bumped. I am not wasting my time sitting at that place ever again.


Fuck you underpants,

The Enforcer

"I should have ended with my Jesus fucking a goat bit" -Peter Johnson

well well

Wow it's been a little while since I blogged. The reason I haven't is that I just haven't felt like anything in my life was worth writing about. My daughter had her birthday last weekend. I ended up with three kids at my house staying the night. They were like drunk monster midgets causing destruction for kicks. By the time my daughter was gone I was so happy to have no kids in my house. My house is just destroyed.

I obviously didn't do any comedy this weekend, but I will say this the last two nights I have gone up I just ate shit.

My new favorite pick up line "I have clean towels" I heard that from a girl who had that one used on her.

I am not going to go out tonight and do comedy but tomorrow I am going to bring it cause I don't want to eat shit three nights in a row.

Rawk that shit homey,

The Enforcer

"I should have ended with my Jesus fucking a goat bit" -Peter Johnson